Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
