Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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