Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
