Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
