you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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