I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
