Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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