and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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