Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
