ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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