Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
