Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
