I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.