but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
