im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
