Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
