I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
