In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
