i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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