My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
