he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
3pm strippers are depressing
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
