Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
