Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
