I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
