If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
