I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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