Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
