Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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