it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
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just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
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My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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