Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
