Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
