guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
