hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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