I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
