It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The air was thick with penises
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
