I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
