I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
