I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
