apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
His hands were made for my vagina.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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