I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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