im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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