I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
