Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
