??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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