I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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