Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
