I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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