no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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