I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
