omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
As shirtless as possible
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
