That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
