I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
