When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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