Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
