Pants 0. Shit 1.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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