I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
