you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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