I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
