My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
