she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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