I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
