My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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