I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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