I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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